I HAVE A STORY TO TELL...

For a very long time, I've been told by MANY people, I should write a book based on "my life".  I've gone through some pretty traumatic stuff.  And for that reason, everyone thinks I should crank out a book.  I can't tell you how many times people have heard what happened and then said, "OH MY GOD! THAT'S MOVIE MATERIAL!"  I have a hard time wrapping my head around a concept like that...

Writing about that time of my life would be really difficult for many reasons.  It would be painful to relive those moments, even if just in my mind, and I've tried really hard for many years to move past it.  So why erase the progress (how large or small it may be), I've already made?  That was between 17 and 19 years ago.  During a pivotal time in life.  I missed so many rites of passage...prom, homecoming, graduating with honors, going out with friends on the weekends, so many things so many other teenagers get to do.  I missed them all. 

When people are sitting around reliving their first kiss, first date, date to prom, etc., I'm trying to escape because those are all topics I don't want to discuss.  It's time I can never get back, and it just makes me SAD.  I WANTED to maybe be on the pom squad, I WANTED to go to homecoming and prom, I WANTED to go to the movies with friends on the weekends...  Instead, I was locked in an abusive relationship and I was lucky to ever even see daylight, let alone other people.  I was even torn from my family.  They were made to be my "enemies".  How twisted is that?  I can't believe I FELL FOR IT.  It's crazy what the mind can do...but I digress...

Even if I "wanted" to write about all of this, I'm not sure I could.  I have forced so much of it to the furthest corner of my mind that I'm not sure if I want to, or even COULD, bring it forth again to write about it in detail.  Some of the events will NEVER be erased or even dulled, but some of the day to day "normal" things are all but forgotten.  What sucks is that, along with trying to mentally erase all of those day to day memories that were bad, also goes some of the good that happened during the same time.  Birthdays, stories grandparents told me, family events, just "things" that I would have LIKED to remember...I CAN'T.  Perhaps under a state of hypnosis I could, but really, would it be worth it?  To maybe bring myself back to a state of sheer terror and panic and confusion?  All to write a book for the world that may never even  appreciate it for the lesson that lies within?  And!! Do I REALLY want the world to KNOW *I* went through that?  Am I ready to see my name and story in print?  Will I want to rip every book off of every shelf out of embarrassment because I allowed such despicable things to take place?  Could I really handle putting my entire life on "display"?  Huh.  I.  DON'T.  KNOW.