Friday, November 6, 2009


My mind is reeling...
I have the flu. I'm laying in bed. All I can do is lay here and think about all the things I need and/or want to do and how either I cannot do them, or how I cannot do them now...

* Make a Christmas Gift List
* Make a Christmas Card List
* Make a space for my Christmas tree in my room
* Order Christmas cards
* Fix/Winter-ize the kennel
* Dig out my Christmas tree
* Take Harm to vet
* Get new tires on the car
* Get heater fixed on the car
* Make a Scrapbook for various occasions
* Go to dr. Appt at Mercy in Oshkosh
* Go to psych appt.
* Go goose hunting
* do laundry
* Get shampoo/conditioner/soap/toothbrush/toothpaste
* Get new clothes
* Plant bulbs on Grampa's grave
* Relax...

These are just a few of the thoughts that have been churning through my head all day. Of course Christmas is at the forefront right now. The weather, the calendar, the tv, the all screams Christmas is's 48 days away. That's not a very long time for someone with literally NO MONEY to her name to prepare for such an event. It makes me want to climb into a hole from now until May, and "skip" it this year. It's always been my favorite time of year! Baking, visiting with friends, riding around looking at lights, playing in the new fallen snow, mistletoe, Christmas stockings, the tree, decorating the tree (s), buying the perfect gift that you KNOW will light up the recipients face and they say "oh my gosh! How did you know? This is something I've always wanted!!". I pay attention. I pay close attention. I wrap all my gifts with an amazing amount of care, so much so that everyone jokes and says I should be a pro gift wrapper...if only there was such a thing! Or that I should professionally decorate trees. Again, if only there was such a thing. But there's not, at least not in the small town in Wisconny that I live in. It's so hard to be 33 and married for over 5 years and not even to be able to live with your spouse. He lives with his parents and I live with mine. Separately. He "spends the night" here but nothing of his is here. No clothes, no personal effects, nothing. It kills me. I just don't know how we got so far off course. Without even a hint at a return of our dreams coming true. My dreams are not extravagant. All I want is a nice house (NOT a mansion) and to be on our land and to be able to watch the sun rise and set from the porch of our house! To be able to have breakfast, lunch and dinner together everyday, to be able to do "our laundry", to be able to mow "our lawn"...such stupid things that everyone takes for granted that I feel I'll never have. Must go. Still not feeling well at all.

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