Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Hate Money

I hate money.  Everything you do every single day is measured based on how much you have...or in my case, how much I DON'T have.  Being on disability is really hard for me.  I get paid once a month, and a huge chunk of it pays for a loan I took out to pay for medical expenses and past mistakes I made.  And this last month a lot of things happened...all at once.  A big thing was my laptop screen shattered and that ended up costing $450.00 to fix.  At the time, I had the money.  But my mistake came later.  That same day, I wrote a huge check for the cost of our hunt club hoodies ($600) and forgot about the pc bill.  How did I FORGET the pc bill?? I mean you would think every time I've logged on to my pc since then, it would be a constant reminder right?  Ya, not so much.  I don't know if all the drugs I am taking is messing with my mind or if the condition itself is messing with me but seriously, I whole heartedly FORGOT about that $450.  So now, I log on to my account, when yesterday I couldn't for whatever reason the stupid online banking system always gives me the finger, and I'm really really really REALLY in the hole and I don't get paid for another 7 days.  It's not just that I only get paid once a month, it's that the hubby is still unemployed and his checks have gotten smaller (how the fuck that can happen I still don't know...) and his money pays our health and vehicle insurance and he's pretty much broke.  I looked into a state funded health insurance and I was really taken by surprise when I saw that our money we bring in, together, is considered to be in the "poverty level."  I never thought of that "word" to describe us before...but....
It just sucks.  I WANT to work, and I CAN'T work.  I can't even drive.  I feel so helpless...and I want to LIVE. I don't want to sit home doing nothing.  If I'm sitting home, I want to be able to cook, or read books, or watch movies or whatever....but all of those things you must buy as well. 
I'm just so saddened and disgusted that I can't even think straight........AUGH.  I hate money.

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