Saturday, September 12, 2009

She's In Ruins...

So I woke up Friday (yesterday) thinking it was going to be a GREAT day! I had plans with MN Amy to go see Julie & Julia and then I was to go goose hunting (if I was feeling well enough to) with the Mafia. Little did I know that God, himself, was planning to black-ball my ass for the day... I woke up and jumped on my laptop right away. We've been separated for almost a month now, so we are still "re-bonding". I logged onto the Mafia FB page and just for kicks and giggles I searched FB for "Goose Mafia" to see what the competition was up to. There's a couple "Snow Goose" Mafias and so I was just curious. And then I saw it...the first thing that ruined my day...some low-life high school punks are trying not only to steal the Mafia name, but to claim they were the "first". Only I know it's complete BS because if what they claim is true, they would have been 8 years old when the club was created. Yuh...don't think so that pushed my "get our logo and name trademarked" goal into fierce high gear. That was the FIRST bad thing that happened. So then I was off to see Julie & Julia with MN Amy. I was sooo happy to see her and we had a great time! The movie was light hearted and funny and I'm not a Meryl Streep fan but holy shit...her Julia Child character was spot-on! I saw in the credits that the movie was based on a book and so now of course I want it, along with Julia's famous Art of French Cuisine cookbook. weakness. Being with Amy, Julie and Julia was by far the highlight of my day. Amy went off to Appleton to meet Ali, and Pat came to pick me up. At first it was ok. But then I was telling him how Nick Barnett lost his dog. He was using Twitter as a vehicle to get the word out. Last I heard he had not found him and was fearing someone had "dog-napped" him. I told Pat it was probably someone who found out the dog belonged to Nick and thought...hey...I bet he'll offer a big reward! And somehow Pat and I got in a heated debate about having money and not having money and somehow, somewhere along the way, I ended up crying and we were no longer on speaking terms. I stared out the passenger window all the way home crying and yet, he never said a word. Not one. NOT ONE! So we got to his house and he turned to me and asked (or something) if I as still going hunting. I said "no". How could he think I could possibly just put on a happy face in front of the others and pretend nothing happened? But that is how he works...he thinks that if he just "ignores" it, "it" will go away and everything will be ok. It's partly my fault for letting him get away with such acts for so many years. But I just get tired of fighting and would rather spend my energy being happy and being the next day when we wake up, or when he "comes back" I just let it go. Note to self: BAD IDEA. Anyway I told him I could call my mom to pick me up from his parents and he could go hunting without me. But then he got bullheaded and insisted on taking me home. He didn't say a word while I cried all the way home. But before we left his parent's I asked why he has such a negative attitude toward me, our future, and life in general...."don"t you care about ANYTHING?" I asked. All he did was shrug his shoulders. So when we pulled in the driveway at home, I got out and said "thanks for not even caring enough to say a word to me while I cried all the way home"... He said, "hat was I supposed to say? You won't listen to me anyway!" Um...I know I'm no genius, but being locked in the car together pretty much insures a captive audience. It just killed me that he couldn't say "sorry" or "don't cry" or ANYTHING!!! So he left and I was left to lay crying in my room for the next four hours. After pouring my heart out to my mother (I'm pretty sure she was more than willing to hunt Pat don at that point) I just told her to leave me alone. She said she's had a hard time biting her tongue for THIS long and she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep doing it. She's heard all the disrespectful things he's said to me, and how whenever I'm happy about ANYTHING he manages to say something or do something to completely wreck it for me. So there I was, laying in ruins. He didn't call, he didn't text. Even after I texted him several times, with the last one saying I was "afraid to tell him not to come home unless he was going to start acting like my husband, and to be there for me and quit acting like a child, because then I'm afraid he really WOULDN'T come back"'d think something of that magnitude would warrant SOME kind of response...but nope...silence. And maybe that hurt me just as much. Because I knew he as out hunting with his buddies and wasn't even thinking or caring about what had transpired between us. I was sure he wasn't coming home. Then around 8:30 I get the most pitiful text from him "do you want me to come over?" WTF?! I proceeded to tell him I wanted him to come home if he would be my husband. Not a "boy" who thought it is acceptable to put his wife 2nd in every situation and to have a better attitude all around. By that point my eyes were almost swelled shut and I could barely even see my phone and I was utterly exhausted. And I fell asleep. I woke up later that night and rolled over with my head throbbing and blurred memories of what was happening...and then the bed moved. It took me a second or two to process that information and hen I did I freaked out and jumped up and looked and he was there. And all he said was "what?" OMFG. The dude STILL couldn't show an ounce of fucking compassion as I'm laying there gripping the last part of a roll of toilet paper (ran out of tissues) and I still had tears on my face and he never even tried to touch my hand or say sorry or that he loved me. Oh no. I get a blank, emotionless "what"? Fuck you. I didn't have the energy. I rolled over and fell asleep. Even my dreams were plagued of events of him not caring about me. So the events were still very much in the front of my mind. When I woke up he was there, but still wouldn't say anything (surprise surprise). I couldn't even look at him. I rolled away from him and stared at the wall with tears streaming down my cheeks again wondering how the hell we got to this point. What had I done? What did I do or say wrong??? Wait!!! How could I think this was all MY fault? Maybe because of the few words he DID say the day before, among them was that I was "mean" to him. So I asked how? How am I mean to you? WHEN was I mean to you???? And funny part is, he couldn't cite one instance. Pfffft. Finally he said he was leaving if I wouldn't talk to him. Omg. That opened the gates and I let loose. In the end, I pretty much gave in. Maybe because I was exhausted or maybe cause I am stupid. Finally with a sigh I said "will you please bring me a fork?" He said, "why do you want a fork?". Omg is he really so stupid to actually ask me that???!! "Just get me a damn fork!" So he went and I walked over to where the last piece of blackberry pie was "hid" and grabbed the plate. When he came back in he saw the pie and it finally clicked why I wanted the fork. The situation warranted a small giggle from us both, and although I STILL haven't gotten an apology, he did manage to say "I love you". My response?? "I love you too, but, you need to quit being an asshole."

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